New Years resolution...

My new years resolution is the same as last year! Eat clean, lose weight, and exercise more. I'm going to set a goal of 25 pounds that I want to lose by my birthday April 26th. This is totally doable, it's about 6 pounds per month. Last year after having my baby I gained 10 pounds and found myself at 215 pounds. My average weight pre-baby was 178-185 which is still overweight so I wanted to make some changes because I was unhappy with my weight. I started really sticking to plan in February and by April I was down to 185 and a size 12 and by July I was 158 and a size 10. Now I bounce between 158-165 currently I am 164 and finding myself unhappy again with my body. I haven't worked out in months and I've been eating crap lately. So today marks a new day, today is the day I take control of my diet and exercise and make a concious effort to eat more fruits and veggies and exercie more. I'm thinking TTC may be put on hold for awhile. I told DH we should wait until DS is 2 or 3 but I'm open to suprises :) I'm going to focus on losing some weight before I obsess about TTC. So this blog may turn into a weight loss/TTC blog. Stay tuned!

Change of plans..

I originally was going to start temping and babydancing yesterday and following the SMEP but two things happened..

1. I have a fever of 101 and I'm pretty sure I have the flu so it's probably not a good time to start temping because I'm sick.

2. I have an external hemorrhoid :( It hurts like hell and I'm not going to be able to babydance. We haven't DTD since before AF came poor hubby is getting restless. I am also still bleeding from AF and getting cramps.

 I feel like I'm already out this cycle because I may have to get surgery depending on if this hemorrhoid goes away on its own or not. I'd rather get my BFP next month anyway then I would be due in October versus September...DS was born 9/17/11 and I really prefer not to have 2 birthdays in one month. :)

Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP)

We're doing the SMEP this cycle to increase our chances of falling pregnant. I'm also charting and temping as soon as AF is over I can't wait I'm so excited to start obsessing over my temps lol! So here's the plan:

*Beginning on cycle day 8 begin trying every other night

*Start using OPK's cycle day 10
(take OPK in the afternoon time when surge would be the highest and don't drink a lot of fluids or use the bathroom for 4 hours beforehand)

*Once OPK is positive, try every night for 3 consecutive nights
( I usually ovulate around CD 14 so maybe CD 14-16)

*Skip the 4th. night, and then try one more time
(CD18)

*Now STOP! The waiting begins..take an hpt 15-16 days after the positive OPK.

I know this sounds really intricate and maybe a little borderline obsessive but cut me a break we have been trying for 5 months I will try anything at this point. It won't hurt to try and I'm curious to see the results I've read good things about it so we will see.

 

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Merry Christmas Eve! I'm so excited for J to open his presents tomorrow and play with them, I hope he likes everything. I want to start family traditions each year so I think I will cook a big dinner and festive dessert every Christmas Eve and we will let J open one present. When I was younger I used to open one present on Christmas Eve to play with and I really enjoyed that. I'm making baked Lasagne for dinner and sugar cookies with buttercream frosting for dessert. I love Christmas, tis' the season to be jolly =]

Cycle update: I'm on cycle day 2. Aunt flow is still here and will be here for awhile I usually have a heavy flow 3-4 days then light flow/spotting  2-4 days. No baby dancing for us over the holiday though, poor hubby! This is our 5th. cycle and hopefully our last I really don't want to reach a 6 month ttc milestone :( 

Game over, cycle day 1

Yesterday I worked the morning shift and I was so exhausted after getting only 4 hours sleep the night before. I can only remember the evening in spurts I was so disoriented from being sleep deprived that I eventually fell asleep and left J and DH to fend for themselves for the night. Apparently my son had another plan for us last night! He just started walking really well without falling the last two days and he decided he wanted to play and stay awake until 3am. I woke up at 4am for work and felt crampy and awful and then aunt flow reared her ugly head. I'm actually quite relieved because I was on the brink of insanity during my 2ww. I wasted about $50.00 easily on tests!! I swear I will never do this again now I feel like an ass because aunt flow is here. So today marks the first day of our 5th cycle trying to conceive. Off to amazon to order my bbt and my monthly opks!

All I want for Christmas...is a BFP!

I'm 15dpo and I tested two days ago with a FRER and got a BFN. I know there's still a chance but my hopes aren't very high. I'm going to stop counting myself as "out" until the witch shows because anything is possible and there is always a chance. My only symptoms are bloat, gas, diahrea (always get this before AF), and last night I noticed a ton CM hanging around that had a glue/paste consistency. I must also note that I'm on CD 30 and the past three cycles have been 28 days, usually my cycle is 28-29 days and I O cd 13/14. This month I ovulated on cycle day 15 so I expect AF today sometime. Fingers and toes crossed the biotch doesn't show ;)

Rest in peace, FIL

My father in law passed away :(

He had lung cancer and was only 54 years old. He left behind 5 boys (the youngest being only 4 years old) and 4 grandchildren. When I first found out I felt sick to my stomach and overwhelmed with grief, I just cried until I felt nauseous and then I went through a phase of being in shock. Now I am feeling a little better emotionally I know that he's not in pain anymore and I've been trying to support my husband through this and stay strong for him. It's strange how grieving works, you feel fine one day and other days just very sad and you can't believe that person is gone. At his service the entire family was there and I just kept waiting for him to walk in and sit down next to his wife, and then I realized he was gone and I just felt so sad. He was such a nice man and embraced me from the moment my husband brought me around. My faith is what has been keeping me strong everyday, because I know that he is in heaven and resting in peace.
  

9dpo and BFN.

So I tested twice today with a cheapie test and they were both BFN. I'm starting to shift from the hopeful/cheerful part of my cycle to the disappointed/depressed part. I feel so dumb for using my FRER's on 7 and 8dpo because now would be the perfect time to test with one. If I don't get my BFP tomorrow (10dpo) I will be pretty sure I'm not pregnant. Then I will wait for AF cry my eyes out and have a margherita. At least I will be able to drink for new years *sigh*

My plan for next cycle..

Cycle 5 will be different. I will take a more agressive approach to TTC and start temping, charting, using preseed, and opks. We will also be BD a lot more next cycle (I'm sure hubby wont mind that). Then I will know when I O'ed exactly and I can have a better chance at a BFP. I will also look into the sperm meets egg plan I have heard some good things about that!

My heart is heavy today..

and I'm praying for the familes who lost loved ones today.

 20 precious innocent babies were murdered today by an armed man who entered the Connecticut elementary school. 6 others were also pronounced dead bringing the total to 26 victims. My heart is aching for these familes right now and the thought of losing a child that young (all were between 5-10 years old) makes me sick to my stomach. Any person that is capable of that kind of evil act needs to kill theirself (he did that already)..I just wish he didn't take the easy way out that way he could by committing suicide and that he could suffer like his victims and their familes did. I can't believe right before Christmas all these familes have lost their loved ones. When I heard this news I hugged my son tight and kissed his forhead. I hate all the violence in the world we live in those babies didn't deserve that. They had their whole life ahead of them and it was cut short because of some deranged psycho. It's just sad, very sad. :*(

I just want to move on!!

I'm on a mom's forum online and I've been hanging out in the TTC section for about 4-5 months now. I feel like the kid who got picked last for a team in softball. I sit there and watch everyone get their BFP's and there I sit...still there! It hurts because then new girls come and you find yourself stalking your old ttc buddies in due date clubs (ddc). Then you look through the ddc and wonder "what If I had gotten my bfp too then I would be X amount of weeks". I think I'm starting to get jealous and I feel awful for feeling this way because some of them have had losses or have been trying longer. This is such a hard feeling and I sure hope it passes!

Turning point in my cycle..

So tomorrow I am 9dpo and it marks a turning point in my hopes for each cycle. This is because with all 3 pregnancies I have gotten a positive by 9dpo so I'll be certain I'm not pregnant by tomorrow night. It is still early and there would still be a chance but it would be unlikely for me I assume. I'm still holding out hope and I will test tomorrow with FMU and later in the evening with a 3-4 hour hold. I tested today, BFN of course but I'm hoping I implanted at 7dpo and by tomorrow it will show up. I asked DH yesterday if it bothered him that it was taking longer than we hoped to get pregnant. He responded "no, when it happens it happens" I wish I could have his attitude about ttc!! The past 2 days I have been super bummed because I got some light cramping and then yesterday I got the big D (tmi..tmi..diarrhea) which is a big sign to me that aunt flo is on her way. I guess all I can do is wait and see if I get my BFP or not, STAY TUNED =] 

When the world says give up...

I remember seeing a quote on my mommy board that stuck with me to this day. It read:

When the world says "give up" hope whispers "try it one more time" 

I love this quote and I can completely relate to longing for a child and struggling with infertilty. It is a very painful process and it's draining; physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have only been actively TTC for 4 cycles now but we didn't prevent pregnancy for 5 cycles before that. If you do the math that adds up to 9 months with no BFP. I have my DS so that makes it so much easier each month because I am very grateful for the baby I have. It is just very frustrating not being able to easily get pregnant though, especially at my age (I'm under 25). I feel broken, I keep seeing BFP threads/announcements and I just feel like it won't ever be my turn. I keep pushing on every month though, hoping and praying for another little miracle.

This may be *the* cycle!

I'm soooo excited to start testing tomorrow!! I actually tested last night with a FRER (I'm crazy I know it's way too early for a positive) just in case I was off with my O date and I was furthur along in my cycle than I thought. I'm currently 7 DPO and it's CD 22 which makes it 6 days until my aunt flow is due. Symptom wise I am still bloated and feeling twinges here and there. Last night after dtd I felt cramps/pressure and my uterus felt full. My tatas are sore and feel tender, when DS was climbing over me it hurt so bad! I'm so hopeful, I really think this may be *the* cycle I just feel different than in the other cycles. I was thinking of cute ways to tell DH if I get my BFP, like wrapping up my test and telling him to open his early present. Signing off for now, I'm at work so maybe I should try and get something done LOL.

4 DPO, I hate you

Seriously. I am going nuts I just want to know if I'm pregnant or not and the wait is killing me! I've never been a patient person though so this is normal for me. I hate this part of my cycle it's so boring just waiting to test in 4 DAYS!! At least when AF is here I know I'm out and there is hope for a new beginning. Waiting to O is exciting testing with my opks and BD like crazy. The first few days seem to fly but right around 4 DPO I start driving myself crazy googling everything and wondering..Could I be? I looked at my log from last month and my 4 DPO symptoms were bloating, fatigue/exhaustion, increased cervical fluid, and increased appetite. I have all but one of those right now so I'm hoping that it's not PMS. I think I will start temping and charting next month if I don't get my BFP and I will order more preseed. When you've been TTC 4 months that stuff runs out fast! I'm giving away some of J's baby clothes because I really am hoping for a girl annddd I prefer all new things for the next little one so I'd rather give them to someone that needs the items and is low on resources. I will reuse the crib and a few sentimental clothing items but besides that we're getting new items. I guess I'll go try and keep busy so these next 4 days don't drag. Signing off for now!

2ww "Symptoms" and a milestone!

I'm back lol. I feel like I shouldn't post more than once per day but it's my blog and I'll blog if I want to hehe. I started having waves of nausea tonight at work and I've noticed aversions to certain foods and my appetite has decreased. This could be a side effect of the medication I'm on (Zoloft) or it could just be my body f-ing with me. Let's hope it's a super early pregnancy symptom and neither of the above.
   Tonight DH told me that J "took a few steps", to which I replied "NO HE DIDN'T" I'm not going to believe it until I see him walking myself. I beat myself up all the time for working and J being in daycare and my biggest fear is him doing something major and me missing it (walking, saying new words, etc.) DH says he is going to videotape him so we shall see. I can't believe he is almost walking it's crazy how fast time flies. It seems like just yesterday I was holding him in my arms for the first time in the NICU with him hooked up to all these wires and unable to feed well with a bottle. That's another reason why this blog is important to me because I wish I would have documented more with J's pregnancy. I'm excited to POAS in 1 week I have a few IC's left from last cycle and I will get a FRER if there are any questionable faint lines. Signing off for now thanks for reading. xox  

First Post!!

  Today was the day I decided to create a blog because I love writing and TTC drives me a little nuts. I figured it would be nice to have a place to get all my thoughts, hopes, frustrations, fears, and anxiety out and hopefully meet some new mommy friends along the way! A little background information about me; I'm an early 20 something married mother of 1 boy and we have been trying for a sibling for him. I gave birth to my son September 17, 2011 at 32w5d due to a placenta abruption and he weighed 3lbs. 5oz. at birth. He didn't have any major health issues and by the grace of god we were able to have him home from the NICU in just 2 short weeks. We have been trying for 4 months now to conceive our second child  and our DS is now 14 months old (we'll call him J for privacy reasons). We have been using OPK's, Preseed, and BD of course! I track my cycles using mycountdowntopregnancy.com and I love it so far. I am able to record everything and compare with past cycles and pregnant women so it's a great tool for a chronic ttc obsessed momma. I don't have any health issues besides cysts and fibroids in my uterus and I have a heart shaped titled uterus (awesome right).
   Currently I am 2 DPO and I am doing fairly well with obsessing over every little thing. I did notice my appetite has decreased and I have more energy than usual which is a good thing in my book. J has been sleeping through the night for the past 2 nights so DH and I are counting our lucky stars. I plan to test around 8 DPO because that's when I got my BFP with J so I know it is possible and I won't get my hopes down if it's a BFN because it's still early. My due date will be August 29, 2012 if I get my BFP this time around. I plan to update here very often hopefully it will be with some early pregnancy symptoms! Signing off for now thanks for reading!