Waiting for AF

Today AF should be here or tomorrow. Tested this morning (BFN). It's safe to say I'm not pregnant.

Not pregnant, Not infertile.

I've been testing and testing...and testing some more with no luck. It's BFN (Big fat negative) town for me and I'm getting pretty depressed about it. I should have been 20 weeks along with nugget right about now and it hurts. I'm not pregnant, and I'm also not infertile so people say rude comments to me about it. Nobody understands how painful it is to go through a miscarriage unless they have gone through it themselves that's why I try my best to ignore the comments. Trying again helped me sort through my feelings about the loss at first but now I'm not sure if this is healthy for me. I'm very bummed out about the BFN's and even though I'm only 8-9 DPO I don't know if I have it in me to keep doing this month after month. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to hold on to hope that we will have another baby. This is just so unfair. What did I do to deserve this. :(

The countdown continues...

Today is cycle day 22 out of a 28 day cycle and I'm 6-7 DPO! I plan to test tomorrow when I get my hpt's in the mail and I can't friggen wait! I more than likely won't be able to sleep because I've allowed myself to get excited about the possiblity of a BFP. I may or may not be getting a positive pregnancy test in the next couple of days. I've been testing with opks everyday to try and use them as hpts and they are staying the same color but has two lines. The opk I took yesterday wasn't positive and I know it's very early to get a BFP. Last cycle I didn't get my BFP until the day before AF was due. Testing in less than 24 hours but who's counting?!?!

One week wait

I never had a two week wait to test because I'm a POAS addict and I'm the most impatient person in the world. Today I'm 3 DPO (4 DPO according to my countdown to pregnancy) and I plan to test 6 days before my missed period with an FRER. Everyday is dragging and I wish I could test already! I ordered my HPT's online and I should have plenty to test with (20 IC's and 3 FRER) they should arrive by June 12th. and I will feel like a little girl on Christmas morning when they arrive. I'm starting to get excited about TTC and less depressed about the miscarriage even though each day is tough still. I think trying again has helped me emotionally and I'm glad we decided to try again. My EDD based off LMP would be 2-25 if we get our BFP. Testing in 4-5 days and updating with the results! :)

A girl can dream.

Well I'm very confused about this cycle because we decided to try right before I thought I was o'ing and I didn't get opks until 2 days later. My usual ovulation time is CD 13-15 and I tested CD 16 with my opk and it looked positive then tested in the a.m CD 17 and it was darker! My longest cycle was 29 days so I'm not quite sure when to expect AF. I think I will use CD 16 as ovulation day which puts me at 2 DPO!! I'm not the same though as before when I was TTC. I'm actually more nervous about getting a BFP because then I have to worry about having a 4th. miscarriage or having a placenta abruption later on *sigh* Timing wise we are looking good though, we've dtd everyday for the past week and a half and each time I layed down with my legs propped up, pillow underneath me. I've been less obsessive this go around but it's only my first cycle after the miscarriage trying. I found a great support group on FB of women who have been through miscarriages and it's been nice to have a group that understands what I'm going through. So now it's a waiting game to see if I'm pregnant or not. A girl can dream for a happy and healthy nine months after right?

Hope whispered "try one more time"

We had an incident a few days ago and weren't careful while dtd which put us at risk to get pregnant. That was the moment I realized we had to try again. That was the moment I realized that deep down I really want another baby. I'm very scared to have another miscarriage but I have hope that things will turn out better. I feel like apart of our family is missing and my heart is longing for another. So let's try this again! I'm right now CD 17 and I got my POSITIVE OPK today!!! We babydanced the past 4 days so my bases are covered. I also found a high risk specialist in the local hospital here that I got a referral from my OB to have a preconception visit. Unfortunally they are booked out until July so I have to wait for a call back to see when my appointment will be. I will be in pretty good hands and have two teams of docs looking over things. I'm planning on testing at 8 dpo which is my magic number (BFP with DS at 8 dpo) please if your reading and are the praying type, pray that I get a STICKY bfp. Signing off for now :)

More stats..and baby fever

Stats:
Starting weight: 215lbs. 9/2011
currrent weight: 151lbs.
goal weight: 150lbs.

I weighed myself this morning and to my suprise I'm down to 151 which is a 6 pound loss from my last post! I wanted to do a scale dance once I saw that number. I am so close to my goal that I made after giving birth and it's almost taken 2 years. I feel much more comfortable with my body and I love being able to shop and actually like the way I look in clothes. This journey has been very tough, but so worth it in the end. I'm proud to set a good example for my son by eating healthy and exercising.
 On a more baby relted note, I have baby fever! (OBVIOUSLY) I can't stop thinking about trying again even though the thought of another loss makes me very anxious and scared. We plan to wait until DH is finished with school and gets a better job (2 years) and I want to find a specialist and get some testing and answers as to why this keeps happening. In the mean time I have this raging baby fever that's like a beast I can't tame. I see babies everywhere (I call them baby candy LOL) and I just want to ohh and ahhh over every single one of them. I keep asking DH if he likes certain names and talking about "when we have more kids". I also can't bring myself to let go of Jace's baby clothes or pack and play because it will make me so sad! This is the hardest part of waiting to try, when the heart wants a baby but it's best for us financially and I have to get some answers first.